Here is the crazy thing I learned this week. You don't get
to choose when you want to be humbled. It's just going to mow you over like a
bulldozer. BUT. It's going
to be the most worthwhile hit you've ever taken in your life.
Here was my biggest revelation of the week: I have no
idea how to do missionary work. None at all. You could stick me in a room full
of people without knowledge of the Gospel and all I could do was pray as any
terrified missionary would. FERVENTLY, and then talk just like Moses had
to....by someone else. Without the spirit, I can say two words in Spanish. Hola
and Adios. Without the Spirit, I can say a thousand words in English and have
none of them mean anything to my investigator. Without the Spirit, I AM
NOTHING.
I'm not going to lie. At first, I resented that. I wanted to
be able to do this missionary thing on my own and really make a difference....I
wanted to be able to take life by the horns, tell Satan to take a hike and
to reach my goals.... This baffles me. How on earth could I have grown up and seen
the world with such backward lenses? I can't do anything without this sweet
gift from God. This sweet gift that I've had since I was 8 years old, like so
many others, but haven't actually used until almost 12 years later. How
pathetic is that? I have the power of my Heavenly Father, the strength of an
Almighty Being, the force of a God, the authority of an Immortal Being right in
my grasp and for 12 years....I didn't utilize it as I otherwise could have. This is the moment where godly
sorrow hits. This is the moment when I feel like my heart is truly broken, my
soul is finally contrite. This is the moment where I look up from the chasm I
dug for myself to grasp my Savior's ever-reaching hand. For the first
time in almost 20 years.....I feel like I am worthy to be utilized by the Lord.
We read of Alma the Younger in the end chapters of Mosiah
and beginning of Alma. I remember growing up hearing this story and just
marveling about the power of God. He struck Alma down so that he was dumb and
entirely weak. But this was the part I missed. In the heading of Alma, we read
"The account of Alma, who was the son of Alma, THE FIRST AND CHIEF JUDGE
OVER THE PEOPLE OF NEPHI" How could I have skipped over the point of this
story? The main thing that we should learn about this story is the power of the
Atonement and the ability the Spirit has to change us. When you have called
upon your Savior and listened to the words of the Sacrament with aching in your
soul sufficient to cripple you....that is when you can look with a brightness
of hope towards new beginnings; towards better days.
I sat after reading this story and realized with a
sinking heart of the reality of why I'm on a mission. It took the Lord
EVERYTHING to get me to listen enough to come. I had to be "struck
down" much like Alma in order to get me to send in those papers. My sweet
Savior was so patient with me....How I lasted those few months I don't even
know. But I do know that I'm on a mission today because my Savior needed me. He
needed me. HE. NEEDED. ME. Not Sally or Joe or John or Jan. Alma the younger
become the first and chief judge over the people of Nephi and his past was scarred
and imperfect. His choices were much less than righteous. But he was humbled. He
was changed by the Spirit. He. Was. Needed.
You are needed. Every single one of
you. The Lord didn't call you 200 or 100 or 50 years ago. He called you now.
Don't ever feel like you aren't making a difference. Don't ever debate whether
or not the Lord can use you. He can. And I can testify that He WILL. Let the
spirit be more in your life. Let it envelop you. Give up your beastly desire to
fight for yourself and let the Lord fight for you. I promise He is just a
little stronger ;)
I love you all! Be safe. I testify with a heart FIRM in the
faith.....this church is so true. So real. And so life changing.
Hna Lake
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